Islanders, prepare for the final days | Humor

I’m on the plane ride home from visiting my folks, and it’s exactly two weeks before Dec. 21, 2012, the total end of the world. Yes, here, too.

The guy in 7E has been shot-gunning zombies at close range for the last 40 minutes, breathing hard, his device 12 inches from my face. I’ve never actually seen somebody do this; clearly, I’m hanging with the wrong Vashon crowd.

Maybe he’s part of the “vidiot” masses, or maybe he’s preparing for the “Zombie Apocalypse,” one of the many versions of the 2012 cataclysm. How does this end-of-the-world thing show up on Vashon? A Google search for “2012 Armageddon Vashon” has, and I’m not kidding, 904,000 results: Obviously, people are thinking about this.

It is my contention that Island women are far more prepared. Sexist? Perhaps. But look at the rash of announced retirements by women community leaders from the Vashon equivalent of public office. I refer, of course, to Susan Hanson at Vashon High School and Bettie Edwards from The Little House.

We’ll miss them both terribly; they must know that. But clearly, their need to prepare for the Vashon Apocalypse supersedes civic duty, and they can both be found at home, stocking up on beans and shuttering their houses from the zombies.

Many other Vashon women are apparently part of an all-female, underground  organization engaged in Island-wide Apocalypse readiness, almost like a shadow government. I mean, if we had a government, it would be its shadow.

They’re called the Vashon Intelligence Keepers In a Nearly Gone Society, or VIKINGS, which speaks volumes about their power.

One member from Wax Orchard Road claims to have been abducted by either aliens from the planet Niburu or Californians. They transmitted ancient wisdom and revealed that they placed the original “Bike in the Tree” 1,600 years ago, which, of course, eventually gave rise to modern Vashon culture. I know, right?

Another member is creating gluten-free cookies with now-legal ingredients, designed specifically to calm community concerns about the endless removing and replacing of the exercise machines from across from the Portage Store, which many Islanders have regarded as an ominous sign.

Vashon men, not to be outdone by the Island’s relentlessly over-achieving finer sex, have created their own Apocalyptic support group, albeit with a certain inferiority complex: SHOVEL, Scared Husbands of Vashon’s Enlightened Ladies.

They speak of the weird pig-dog animal that has been sighted on Vashon — the Beast, they call it. One man claims to have chased and tackled it, only to be immediately apprehended by a plainclothes member of VAPPO, Vashon Association of Pathological Pet Owners  (not to be confused with VIPP, whom we love), which is trying to save and study the weird Beast.

A retired Air Force colonel from Gold Beach presented an End of Days theory, which posits that Vashon is actually on a collision course with Bainbridge Island, and that on 12/21/12, Islanders will be forced to chose between two fundamentally opposed worlds.

There’s a dizzying array of approaches to the 2012 phenomena here on the Rock. How do we come together to address the impending day of reckoning?

The only choice, it seems to me, is to find common ground and to attack together whatever we all agree is the greatest otherworldly threat to our way of life.

I would like to suggest the new Rapid Ride bus stop at Fauntleroy and California, where evil zombie bus drivers, occupying the ONE lane of traffic, hold up scores of swearing, gesticulating ferry-rushers to let off one absurdly slow old lady. It’s part of a fiendish campaign to ruin our lives and cause widespread panic.

But it won’t work. These are the good times! Local solutions to the Apocalypse are being created even as I write: new efforts at effective governance, park district budget forensics, that cool state-of-the-art cook stove, the huge indoor play space, a massive collective organic farm and a fleet of 200 ride share electric cars soon to be unveiled on Vashon.

OK, that last part is, as of yet, just a possibility. But if any place can do it, Vashon can. We’re the perfect, world-rocking petri dish for imagination, innovation and collaboration. Zombies — bring it!


— Kevin Joyce is an Island humorist.


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