Dear Santa,

It’s me, Vashon Island, with my Christmas list! Weird to hear from an actual land mass? Well, let me start by saying I’ve always totally believed in you. It’s just, with my bad rap as a pampered, progressive bubble, I’ve been afraid to ask for stuff.

But this year, Santa, it has been particularly wacky down here, and I am in serious need of some presents. Some are for me, and some, frankly, are for re-gifting — I have no time to shop. So excuse me if I sound demanding, but it’s only things I know I won’t get from anyone else.

1. Gluten. I can tell you eat it, and you have to be feeding carbs to the elves, so I’m thinking you have some to spare? It’s been banned down here, and my rebel population of gluten-eaters is getting cranky. Please help. A semi-load of white flour would be a good start. OMG, I’m so excited.

2. I’d like an older, female cougar please, specifically, a cougar mother-in-law. A bossy, in-your-face, sort of judgmental elder cougar would make the younger ones want to leave. Yes, I have cougars. Did you send them? Well, they’re eating our children and scaring our cats — wait, reverse that. You see how stressed I am?

And don’t judge me for being sexist or ageist, Santa. I’m an island, and I couldn’t care less about being PC regarding feline mother-in-laws. Besides, PC is way out of style these days.

3. If any of my people asked you already for a health clinic, you can cancel that order. Somebody already gave us one. A little bird told me you pulled some strings, so thank you.

4. We need extra horns for the ferries. And I don’t mean little antlers for faeries, I mean vessels. Some of my people are trying sample packs of the legal marijuanas and literally ramming their boats into ferries. Five puffs and it’s Nap Tyme. I’m not making this up.

5. I could actually use some golfers. I know, right? My little club needs people who swing at balls, even if they miss, or else it might turn into a mall, which I don’t need.

6. Please send conversation mediators. My people are having some dispute issues, and an influx of conflict resolution experts would be awesome. Elves would be fine. Absent that, aerosol Prozac, one for each islander.

7. Speaking of medication, something to reduce generalized weeping and gnashing of teeth would be much appreciated. It was my impression that my people were simply ungovernable. Then I found out that prior to November, I was a wholly-owned subsidiary of Bernie Somebody; now apparently I am to be ruled by the evil smurf, and my people are fa-reaking out. Send cookies, maybe.

8. In terms of stocking stuffers, the usual is fine: orca sightings; a bit of snow; a warm, dry summer; a clean, single-source aquifer — the little things.

9. Finally, I need your help with presents for the other islands. Six of us get together after the holidays, and it’s so hard to find something for them. Bainbridge — what do you get for the island that has everything? I thought a bridge would be funny, but they already have one and whatever you give them, they say, “Wow … just what I wanted!” and you can tell they’re lying.

Lummi is hard. It’s so small, and always seems overwhelmed. And it gives the strangest presents, like it’s trying to prove it’s weirder than me. San Juan always says, “Oh, just make me something,” like I have the time to macramé, and anyway, it never comes to visit, like ever. Whidbey can’t make up its mind if it’s a suburb or a yoga retreat, so I just give up.

And Mercer … don’t even get me started. They always pay for the party, of course, so nobody ever challenges whether they’re really even an island! And then, cheap wine and Cheese Whiz, really?

OK, it felt good to vent a little.

Really, Santa, put me last on your route. Most everyplace else in the world needs presents more than me — spread that good cheer as far and wide as you can. It’s gonna be a long night … pack those carbs, big guy, and Merry Christmas!

— Kevin Joyce is a writer, humorist and father who lives on Vashon.