COMMENTARY: In graduation season, the president offers tips at Trump University commencement
Published 1:30 am Tuesday, June 13, 2017
The following is a leaked excerpt of a Trump U commencement address delivered by Pres. Donald J. Trump after receiving an honorary degree in alternate facts from a fake university located at an undisclosed location:
“When I look out at this vast audience today, which, by the way, is the largest audience to ever hear a commencement address anywhere in this great country of ours…” (hecklers, president’s speech interrupted by hecklers) “Get them out of here. Smack ‘em for me, right in the mouth. That’s it, get ‘em out of here … losers, bunch of losers, sore losers at that. ”
The president continues his speech after adjusting his wind-blown, giant red tie which had furled itself around his neck.
“I want to personally thank those brave graduates from Trump U whom we honor today for resisting peer pressure and not joining that class action law suit against me and this great university (TV cameras pan for missing graduates and then focus on security guards standing behind what appears to be angry looking parents). My appreciation and the appreciation of the American people will be reflected today by this degree conferred upon you by me.”
“Loyalty is a virtue here at Trump U. In recognition of the service rendered to me by these graduates, I’ve ordered our collection agency to establish express lanes, right here on this stage, in order to facilitate payment in full on your credit card at an interest rate that is determined by the free market, not by restrictions imposed by the so called Dodd-Frank amendment (“BOO” emanates from spectator wearing “Deplorable and proud of it” T-shirt). After payment has been processed — we’ve saved you fees by eliminating the bureaucratic middle man — your diploma will be handed to you by Trump U. President Bernie Madoff is out on bail and with us today as the result of a presidential pardon, conferred on him by me. Show them your ankle bracelet, Bernie.”
While waiting for laughter and applause to subside, a camera close-up reveals that Ivanka has added a line of federal restraints to her upcoming fall accessory collection.
Trump continues: “To the class of 2017, I say to you never give up, never, never, never, never, never, never, never give up. Don’t let anyone tell you what you can’t do. They told me to be elected president, I had to show my income tax returns like every other schmuck in this great country of ours. Give me a break. They were wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. To paraphrase the late, great Frank Sinatra, do it my way.
“Don’t let anyone tell you the American Dream isn’t alive. I urge each of you to pull up your boot straps and do what I did. Inherit a couple of million. Critics say I don’t have an economic plan. There it is. What more do you need? At this point some of you might want to take Cliff Notes,” advises the president, who has switched to a hand mic and is pacing around the stage like the reality show host he once was. “Anyone can inherit a million,” concedes the president. “If I did it, you can do it. But, and this is a big but,” he says — pausing for effect — it’s what you do with your inherited money that counts. You don’t sit on it like a low energy Jeb Bush. Leverage it. Make some investments. If they’re bad investments, make them good investments. How? Simple, declare bankruptcy. Take tax deferments and set up shell companies.
“At Trump U, we think outside the box. Meet some Russian oligarchs. Drink some vodka. While you’re doing that, convert their rubles into dollars. How? Sell the Ruskies some U.S. real estate at double and triple market value. They won’t care. Hell, they’ll thank you for it. They have to launder their money and get it out of their country before they get shot or ingest some plutonium while their stolen currency is being confiscated by their government. Consider yourself the magic laundromat that converts rubles into dollars. Don’t get greedy.
Give a cut to Vladimir and stash the rest of the cash in off-island tax shelters. It’s so easy. Together we can make America great again.”
While waiting for applause to subside, the president fires the sign language interpreter standing next to him on stage.
“How do I know what she’s signing is what I’m saying?” reasons the suspicious leader of the free world, and humiliates her further by badly imitating her attempts to convey what was being said with hand gestures to those who cannot hear. The dismissed signer appears to be of Indian extraction and is wearing a sari, which Trump makes note of as she leaves the stage.
“Whose sari now,” mocks the president. Dignitaries, on stage, with ties a little shorter than the president’s, laugh uncomfortably. After the commencement address, Press Secretary Sean Spicer tells reporters: “That’s just the president being the president.”
— Brian Brown is a columnist, humorist and host of the Brown Briefly — where less is more, more or less — on KVSH, Voice of Vashon, at 101.9 FM.
