For almost 25 years I’ve been writing the odd column for island newspapers, with the accent on “odd.” My first leaps into this fire were titled “Free Puppies, My Ass” (the actual first-year costs of adopting a dog) and “Second-Hand Nose” (the joys of thrift shops, which Macklemore stole eleven years later without paying me so much as ten cents on the dollar).
Topics from socially graceful sun protection to insomnia to TVs in public spaces have led many to believe I am something of a jack-of-all-experts. As such, my mailboxes—physical, electronic, and imaginary—are stuffed with letters asking a wide range of questions. As you might expect from a small population base such as Vashon’s, the most obvious ones are asked multiple times.
Since I am genetically lazy (we ALL are; I should totally write a column about that), I thought, “Why regurgitate the same answers over and over again, when I could print them here? That way I’d hit thirteen seagulls with one Frisbee!”
Q: I was very attached to Springer, Vashon’s pet orca. I understand why she moved to Canada; I’ve been tempted myself. But she never visits anymore. Never even writes. Is it us? Did we do something wrong?
A: Usually.
Q: What’s the most popular place to eat out on Vashon?
A: Depends on who you ask. For example, racooning in the Pacific Northwest gave my garbage cans a Michelin star, with a promise to raise it to two if I added more carcasses to my diet.
Q: Is it illegal to skinny-dip in Tramp Harbor?
A: I can’t say, but don’t forget to bring your hot-water bottle, space blanket and EMT.
Q: There are so many yellowjackets here in summer! But I don’t want to spray, because hundreds of Beachcomber op-eds have convinced me that Vashon is the sole remaining refuge for the world’s honeybee population. If we must live with both creatures, can you tell me the difference between a yellowjacket sting and a honeybee sting?
A: The first makes you miserable, but the second makes you miserable for a good cause. And what’s more Vashon than that??
Q: If we could end poverty and inequality, would we finally have world peace?
A: A poll of two-year-olds at the Ober Park playground all netted the same vehement response: NO! Of course, this was their answer to anything they were asked, so maybe we shouldn’t reconfigure too many government policies around it.
Q: Why does it take so long between the release of a blockbuster movie and its appearance at the Vashon theater?
A: Shut up. Eileen does the best she can without becoming a multiplex, and if that ever happened, you know you’d be the first one on the picket line.
Q: I have received a wedding invitation. Requested attire is “black thongs.” Since it’s on Vashon, I assume they mean flip-flops; but what if I’m wrong?
A: Considering the island’s median age, I’d go with flip-flops. But just in case, make your trauma therapist your “plus one.”
Q: How many times in the last year have you used the term “space-time continuum?”
a) 2-4
b) 4-8
c) Just once, when I tried to renew my driver’s license
d) What’s a space-time continuum?
Q: If you were an animal, what would you be?
A: A seagull. They eat junk food without gaining weight, they score waterfront real estate with no down payment and nobody calls the sheriff when they go to the beach naked. Plus, they’re almost impossible to hit with a frisbee.
Q: I recently bought a house on the island. The realtor said Seattle was only 15 minutes away, but she never mentioned the two-hour wait in both directions! What is your advice for avoiding long ferry lines?
A: Become a seagull.
Q: Is there a Santa Claus?
A: Not anymore. Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were defunded in 2025.
Cindy Hoyt is an island comedy writer, novelist, and bladerunner. Check her out at https://www.cindyhoyt.com/.
