Goodbye to award-winning year on Vashon
Published 1:41 pm Tuesday, December 30, 2014
By Cindy Hoyt, Harris Levinson, Richard Rogers and Margaret and Greg Wessel
If you are a sapiosexual, a person attracted to intelligence, this column may not be right for you. But if you interested in glitzy awards, keep reading because this year we are awarding the first ever 10 awards for the Top 10 Stuff that Could Have Been Done on Vashon in 2014 Awards. Did we say there are 10? That’s because there are 10 categories. So let’s get started:
Nonprofits here are as ubiquitous as fleas on a dog, so you can imagine that the competition for blood, or rather support, is intense. This year, the award for Best New Fundraising Idea goes to Vashon Allied Arts.
Upon learning that cost increases would delay construction on their new performance space, VAA decided to follow the example of the Grand Coulee Dam and the Great Pyramids of Egypt, creating a sound and light show on the west wall of McFeed’s. The Fuller Store will be demolished to make room for bleachers, and lasers will animate the line drawings on the building’s façade. Admission will be $10 for VAA members, $50 for everyone else.
In other nonprofit news, the award for the Fastest Growing Nonprofit goes to the land trust because of the land purchases they’ve successfully completed.
“First the home islands, then the world!” commented the director.
Carnivals and parades captured the hearts of islanders, and so our Vashon awards would not be complete without a prize for Most Unusual Entry in the Strawberry Festival Parade. This year, that award goes to EdiPure, the marijuana candy manufacturer formerly slated for the K2 Building. A giant costumed gummy bear strolled along the parade route, tossing infused treats to the delighted children seated on the curbs. A scuffle broke out when adults realized what was happening and began fighting the children for the candy, but EdiPure saved the day by offering free medical marijuana to all injured parties.
In the interest of not being accused of prejudice (against attorneys), we have a legal category that includes an award for the Longest Running Island Legal Battle. There were two contenders, but in the final lap, the Island Landmarks-Friends of Mukai feud took the prize. Unfortunately, we could not present the winners their award because we could not get past the fence surrounding the Mukai home.
Not to be outdone, King County Department of Natural Resources and Parks announced that Island Center Forest saw a record number of deer hunters this year, which through guilt-by-unintended-association earns for them the coveted Most People Who Can Tell a Deer From a Dog or a Goat Award. At least we’re pretty sure they won. Nobody asked the hunters if they could identify a goat.
And speaking of sports, the coveted Lance Armstrong Award for Most Significant Contribution to Integrity in Athletics goes to the Vashon Golf & Swim Club (VGSC) for their decision to bring foot golf to the islands. With the majority of people under 50 believing that traditional golf accelerates the aging process, forward-looking clubs like VGSC are switching to soccer balls on the fairways and building grandstands for fans to chant filthy fight songs so that they can lure younger, fit athletes back to the greens.
“It’s a natural for my boy Soren and me,” confessed self-acknowledged foot golf expert Per-Lars Blomgren, “because we already love soccer and dressing funny.” The club is also opening a lutefisk and lefse food truck to attract Millennials to the sport.
We are also proud to report that advances in island medicine were made, and so we can award a prize to Vashon Island Fire & Rescue for having the Fastest Mobile Mammography Service.
“I’ve never had anything go so quickly or so smoothly,” said one client.
Following that announcement, the award for Best Effort to Hold Your Tongue was shared by those people who recognized but did not exploit the comedy potential of having the fastest mobile mammography service.
In a totally unexpected development, the award for the Most People Kissing in a Newspaper Supplement was won by the Vashon-Maury Island Beachcomber, who scooped The Loop by offering a steamy (by Vashon standards) exposé of the romantic potential of the island in a February wedding supplement. That the newspaper editor’s wedding picture was in this supplement had nothing to do with the judges’ decision.
And lest you think there will be no awards left to win next year, we’d like to present our final award for an idea whose time has come but is still a little delayed because of trouble with permits. By that, we mean the award for the Best Dining Experience goes to the perfect Vashon restaurant that won’t open its doors until 2015.
Coming to the former Nirvana location, this place has already tied May’s Kitchen on Yelp for best restaurant in the known galaxy! It’s the aptly named “Taste of Emily’s India-Spice Stray Dog Day Ferrara-Nirvana Cuisine Route Libations Bistro Bar Office Space for Lease Café,” also known as TOEISSDDFNCRLBBOSFLC, or simply “Toe” for brevity’s sake. Wild-crafted organic entrees will be harvested and prepared by artistic, progressive, unicorn-herding yet conservative, Obama-impeaching, fifth-generation islanders. And you can order your faves from Gusto Girls, Express Cuisine, Sound Food and other fine restaurants of days past. Tables available now for 4:15 p.m. or 9:45 p.m. on Tuesday, Jan. 16, 2018. Bon appétit!
And with that we wish you the best and hope your next year is as award-winning as the last!
— The authors are Vashon humorists.
