COMMENTARY: Cooking the perfect resolution after the holidays

Published 1:30 am Tuesday, January 10, 2017

It’s the New Year, and once again we are all faced with the challenge of responding to the question that terrifies us the most: “What are your resolutions for the new year?” Just writing that sentence caused me to break out in a cold sweat, so I’m thinking that you will all need some helpful hints to craft the perfect New Year’s resolution, one that can either be accomplished easily or plausibly denied.

Hint number 1: Don’t resolve to fix a problem that deep in your heart you know will never be fixed. Avoid resolutions like, “I’m going to consume less sugar/coffee/alcohol/tobacco.” Instead, promise something easier like, “I’m going to eat way less cauliflower unless it’s hidden in a mass of cheese sauce. And I’m not even going to be in the same room as any kale or bok choi, if I knew what they looked like.”

Hint number 2: Resolutions that require abnormal physical activity typically require good weather and/or the proper clothing, both of which are outside your control if, like me, your spouse dresses you. You can resolve to “walk a mile every day” and it might work for a day or two, but you won’t make it to the end of the week. Even planning to exercise inside is prone to failure. My advice would be to save time and frustration by simply setting a match to that money you were going to spend on the gym membership.

Hint number 3: Resolutions that require buy-in or participation by others similarly are doomed to failure. For example, if you “intend to take the family on a tour of Europe,” remember that may include dining with your children in countries where good manners are expected, and your kids are Americans.

Hint number 4: On the other hand, resolutions that involve others, but that don’t require their approval, can be quite successful. “I resolve to support our local newspaper by sending $20 to the author of this commentary” is a very good example of a resolution you can be proud to have made.

Hint number 5: Resolutions that have a sell-by date, in that your plan can only be executed within a certain time frame or under certain circumstances, contain an escape clause. “I promise to contribute more to support gun rights if there is any money left over after paying my taxes” is a popular resolution amongst conservatives. “I promise to contribute more money toward fighting global warming if my contract with Exxon/Mobil comes through next month” would be the liberal equivalent. This is why nonprofits of all types are struggling; but hey, you tried.

With all of the above hints in mind, I’d now like to share with you my 2017 New Year’s Resolution, which I am pretty sure I will be able to do. So (drum roll, please) … here it is: I resolve to drive less, save more money, eat less cheese (my doctor instructed me to include this), keep my patience with the dog when he needs a walk in the middle of the night and clean up the cat’s vomit when Margaret is not home. I also resolve to work harder to craft a safe and environmentally sound world for my grandchildren, by supporting environmental restoration, opposing social injustice and thinking of new ways to get others to help. I resolve to help save the elephants, orcas, polar bears and monarch butterflies so that my grandchildren can see them. I resolve to speak up and demand the truth, no matter how inconvenient. I resolve to be too noble for anger and too strong for fear, and I will not roll over and be quiet in the face of ignorance or injustice.

Now if I just had $20.

— Greg Wessel is an island geologist, who said he would give a fossil to the first person who guessed the largest city closest to his hometown.