COMMENTARY: Here’s to another great year of rocking sweatpants

Published 1:30 am Wednesday, December 29, 2021

Well, another stinky, poopy, good-for-nothing pandemicky year is in the books. Another twelve months of brandishing my tiny fists of rage at the world and yelling, “I want to talk to the manager!”

Harrumph, good riddance to bad rubbish, I say. Yet, even with 365 days of covering my ears and saying, “lalalalalalala” whenever the news comes on, I want to begin 2022 on a positive note, so I have compiled a few, very few, good things that happened in 2021.

Through COVID -19’s ever changing mutations I’ve been learning the Greek alphabet, something that will be helpful when I pledge a fraternity. Now, not to second guess the World Health Organization (WHO), and I’m just spit-balling here, but maybe instead using the letters of an alphabet, WHO could use something a bit more unsavory. Anybody that’s ever seen a horror movie is going to get vaccinated when they hear the COVID-19 “Freddie Krueger” variant is quickly spreading. And he can infect the unvaccinated in their dreams.

Last year also had some interesting happenstance, though. Through the miracle that is spell-check, I learned all about komodo dragons instead of kimono garments.

Did you know that komodos can reproduce by parthenogenesis? This happens when an offspring is born when no male is involved. In the case of komodos, scientists have a name for it and it’s right on the tip of my tongue. It’s… um…er, reptile dysfunction. This unusual biology process may explain my lack of success using the parthenogenesis dating app.

And speaking of apps, I learned about a thing called TikTok. It lets you show the world how weird you are, but only for a short amount of time. So I guess that is progress. With everyone stuck at home watching social media and streaming services, at least the non-stop coverage of the pandemic has pushed another scourge into the background. I’m talking, of course, about the Kardashians.

With a lot of time to sit and think (which never ends well for me), I’ve become more mindful with my interactions in the world; as opposed to my usual mindless interactions in the world. For instance, I’ve simplified my eating and gone from four food groups to only two, wine and potato chips.As any sommelier will tell you, reds go with Doritos Nacho Cheese, whites go with Doritos Cool Ranch, and Flaming hot Cheetos are for the Jagermeister hipster crowd.

So too, with the pandemic ennui upon me, I’ve revisited some cinematic gems with a fresh set of eyes. Did you know that James Best was the leading man in the unbelievably underrated, “The Killer Shrews?” This, of course, was before he graced the small screen in the thinking-man’s TV series, “The Dukes of Hazzard.” And who could forget Richard Kiel’s tour-de-force in “Eegah” as a cave-man in modern times. A word to the wise though, “Attack of the Giant Leeches” is not a documentary about Washington lobbyists.

I’ve also lent a mindful ear to some old musical standards to tease out some nuances I’d missed. So, what’s up with “The Piña-Colada Song?”Some guy goes to a bar to meet a woman and cheat on his girlfriend and when the woman shows up it’s his actual girlfriend. She was there to meet some rando guy and cheat on her boyfriend. Instead of realizing they are both horrible people they decide to laugh it off and have a piña-colada, all good. Sheesh.

Here are some of my hard-won pearls of wisdom that I have picked up over the last 12 months:

If you cut your own hair you will never go on a date again. I did and I haven’t.

“I have to go meet my groupies,” said no accordion player ever. My “How to Play the Accordion” DVDs have been repurposed as beer coasters.

Sweatpants with pockets are now considered business attire. Sweatpants with no pockets are for sophisticated museum openings, elegant soirees and meetings with heads of state. Neither has to be washed until they can stand by themselves.

But seriously, all this silliness aside, please take a moment to think about all those that have lost someone in 2021. If you can do it safely, make time to be with your friends and family. Time not spent with them can never be made up. Sharing a post on Facebook is not the same as sharing a cup of coffee. The warmth of a touch will not come through in a text message. An emoji is not a hug.

Good luck and all the best to you in 2022!

Chris Austin is a Voice of Vashon radio host and writer.