It is not often that I enjoy the fact that I am getting older. I usually spend my days wondering why my hair has stopped growing on my head and begun sprouting in the most unusual areas, why my knees sound like rusty hinges or why my neck makes that flapping noise in a stiff breeze.
Yet, what always makes me feel better is the thought that I will be long gone when the robots take over. Unless, of course, they keep me alive just to torment me. I am not alone in my dim view of where humanity is headed. No less than the likes of Elon Musk, Bill Gates and Steven Hawking have shared their anxiety about artificial intelligence (AI).
In fact, Mr. Hawking, who arguably relies on AI more than most, has suggested that humanity will be extinguished when computers decide they have no use for us. His theory suggests there is no difference between what a biological brain can do and what a computer can do. As computers become more powerful, they will eventually meet and exceed the human brain. This means that in the future, computers will be obsessed with reality TV.
This idea is as old as the “robot” itself. The word was the brain-child of Czech playwright Karel Capek in the 1920s. In his work, robots were invented to do all the unpleasant, laborious tasks that people hated. The robots eventually revolt against humans and kill everybody on the planet. The idea of humanity’s extinction under the cold hand of robots is nearly a century old.
There are even robotic ethicists who decide what an AI gizmo should morally do in a given situation. Driverless cars are now being tested in various cities around the country. How should an autonomous car react in a collision: Protect the passengers or the pedestrian? I guess it depends on whether the ethicist is walking or riding.
Today, robots and AI present us with a mixed bag. Take disasters for example. Only robots can go into Japan’s Fukushima nuclear plant to access the damage, which is good. On the other hand, the University of North Carolina has come up with a way of putting a computer chip on a cockroach, making a biobot, which is maybe not so good. The idea is that after, say, an earthquake, the insects can scramble through the debris looking for survivors. If you are unlucky enough to be buried under God knows what, it must be comforting to hear, “Relax we are sending in hordes of cockroaches to find you!” Apparently they locate survivors by their screams of terror.
As the robotic industry grows, so do the tasks they are built to perform. Probably the most common household AI gadget is the Roomba, built to deftly navigate around a room, scooping up debris, all while a cat sits on top. I say, if it is so smart, it would pretend to be broken and let the humans sweep up. Disney has thrown its hat in the ring, too. It has applied for a patent for a “humanoid robot” that can act as a character. I believe the prototype for this was based on Steven Seagal.
Japan has devoted a lot of energy to this industry. With a population growth rate a negative number, they realize there won’t be enough whippersnappers around to take care of an aging population. While they have made great strides in this area, there have been a few outliers. For example, one company has come up with a robot doll of … hmmm “easy virtue.” The doll has 18 personalities, none of which has a headache. And just to be more odd, they speak in a Scottish accent, ensuring that no one will understand a word they say.
Japan also wins the award for making a robot that no one asked for. It’s called “Tomatan.” It sits on a person’s shoulders much like a small child sits on their parent’s. Its purpose is to feed joggers tomatoes. Yep, switch a button, and spindly arms come over its giant tomato-like head and plop a ripe one right in your kisser. It is rumored the American version will feed you nachos while watching TV.
In 1950, Alan Turing came up with an idea to see how close computers were to humans. In the Turing Test, an observer gives questions to a computer and a human, both unseen. When the answers are received and the observer cannot tell which is human and which is artificial, the computer has passed the Turing Test. In the very near future, call centers and the like will be using computers instead of humans to deal with mundane questions. I would venture to say that even opinion articles in newspapers may one day be composed by a computer.
— Chris Austin is a humor columnist and the creator and owner of the Mostly True Vashon Tours.
