Editor’s note: According to statewide data, Vashon teens are more likely to have used marijuana or alcohol in the last 30 days than their peers statewide. A group of Islanders who work with youth or on youth-related issues has put together a series of talks and workshops focused on teens, parenting and drug and alcohol use in an ongoing effort to address teen substance abuse on Vashon.

The Beachcomber has asked several Islanders to write about the issue in the next several weeks. This is the first column.

By YVONNE ZICK

For The Beachcomber

If I had been asked to write about teenagers a year ago, it would have been easy. As a parent educator focused on substance abuse prevention for middle and high school families, I could have put pen to paper and filled pages with research, statistics and story after story of parents and teens who thought addiction could never happen to them.

Now, I find that writing about parenting teens isn’t as simple. Now that I have my own high school freshman, I have become the parent my career has focused on educating. I am the parent in the trenches who lies in bed at night and wonders.

Have I have talked to my son enough about the risks of drugs and alcohol? Have I talked to him enough about the seriousness of sex? Can I stay connected to him when I irritate him by simply existing?

Suddenly, I no longer feel like the expert. Instead I am the mother who questions if I have done enough to give my son the tools he needs to not only survive his teenage years, but to thrive in thoughtful choices, make important mistakes and begin the exhilarating process of designing his own life.

Last fall, I had a crisis of confidence. For several years I have stood in front of hundreds of parents and asked them to decide for their families where their lines are drawn in regards to drugs and alcohol use. I have asked parents to define those lines, to deliver clear messages of expectation and build strong lines of communication with their teens.

I see being intentional with teens as similar to erecting guardrails — safety buffers to guide curious teens around the blind corners and winding roads of adolescence. I depended upon the research and put these principles into effect in my own family. My husband and I sifted through our own teen years, ignored the parent peer pressure of acceptable teen experimentation and wrote into our family law that we have a “no alcohol and drug policy.”

My husband and I took it a step further and gave up drinking to role model to our son, showing him that we can want to drink and still refuse. As parents, we decided that we would not teach our son “how to drink” and would not look the other way if he did, chalking it up as “just being a kid.” We decided we would not use fear to influence our son, but science to educate him. We accepted the research that shows that while peer pressure offers invitations to kids, parents hold more influence with teenagers than anyone else. We shamelessly took the reins of our influence and communicated to our teen that he can refuse drugs and alcohol, and we offered him the tools to do so.

But even with all of this preparation and information, as my son walked through the doors of Vashon High School, I wondered if we had done enough.

I realize now that I thought my career in prevention would make me feel inoculated against the fears that parents have for their teens. I was not prepared for how unsettling it is to move from steering the boat for my son to moving to the side, letting my teen — with his brain still under construction — take the helm. I found that moving this deeply into adolescence feels a lot like investing my life savings in the stock market; I do my research and carefully follow the best advice, but it still feels like a gamble.

We are not ignorant to the temptations that face our son. We know our freshman is curious. We know our son will be tempted. We know he has friends who are already experimenting and friends who have already begun their relationship with a lifelong addiction. We are very well aware that he might experiment with substances. What’s most important is that we realize it is not our job to control our son’s choice, but to communicate that he has one.

Even while we know these things are possible and even probable, we are steadfast in believing that it is our job to not write him a blank check on experimentation. As parents who love him deeply, we’re building guardrails, knowing that only if they’re solid, strong and secure will he be able to navigate the tumultuous years of adolescence safely.

— Yvonne Zick is a parent educator and the mother of two.