While we await the liberation of Big Bertha — the world’s largest boring machine — from Seattle’s soft sand and sinkholes, I would like to propose a radical shift in strategy made possible by the imprisonment of the Mexican drug lord, Joaquin Guzman, aka, El Chapo.
What do Bertha and Guzman have in common? Read on.
The $2 billion Highway 99 tunnel bore from SoDo to South Lake Union is already two years behind schedule and will not be open to traffic until April 2018, which engineers concede is an optimistic estimate. To date, Bertha has drilled a mere 17 percent of the 9,270 feet of what will be the largest single bore tunnel (57 feet, 4 inches in diameter) and will replace the seismically vulnerable Alaskan Way Viaduct. So here we are, two years after the start of the project, still at the beginning.
This is not to minimize the obstacles Bertha has had to contend with, but rather than wait for the results of Governor Jay Inslee’s “Root Cause Analysis,” wouldn’t it be more compassionate to simply take Bertha off life support and let her slide into the sinkhole which encroached upon her earlier this year? Big Bertha (2013-2016) RIP.
With Bertha laid to rest, we finish the Highway 99 project by recruiting the Mexicans who tunneled El Chapo out of prison last summer. Think about it. These guys took less than a year to bore a mile-long tunnel (undetected, mind you), 30 feet underground through dirt, gravel and the concrete foundation of the maximum security wing of Mexico’s maximum security penitentiary.
Then, with the precision of a dentist doing root canal (or Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson doing brain surgery), the drillers emerged directly under the shower stall in Guzman’s bathroom.
After lathering up, El Chapo left nothing but bubbles when he disappeared down the drain in front of a 24-hour surveillance TV camera. Talk about threading a needle. This was also a clear indication that those borers from south of the border know how to drill in the kind of damp, musty and generally porous conditions which prevail under the Alaskan Way Viaduct.
Another thing, El Chapo’s tunnel, at a cost of $1 million, was not built on the cheap. Forget those movies where you see sweaty convicts crawling on their knees. Guzman’s tunnel was tall enough for the drug lord to stand erect after descending into the 12-foot high reinforced chamber.
The precisely engineered underground passage was equipped with lighting, ventilation, plumbing and, get this, a motorcycle on rails modified to run in a low-oxygen environment.
Granted, this was not the fourlane tolled tunnel Bertha is boring, but clearly Guzman’s guys know how to drill under pressure. Logistically, it should be easy to assemble the Mexican construction crew since they are currently doing prison time after being rounded up with El Chapo last summer. Before they get their exit strategy together, let me make a modest proposal. Why don’t we simply extradite them to the U.S. along with their pick axes, shovels and precision drills, now being held as trial evidence?
Once in Seattle, the extradited Mexicans can be conveniently domiciled at ICE (Immigration & Customs Enforcement), Tacoma’s prison for profit. ICE is close enough for a daily commute to Bertha’s present “safe haven” site west of the viaduct near Yesler Way.
To ensure that the Highway 99 project is completed on time and under budget, the STP (Seattle Tunnel Partners) can throw in some incentives, like reduced prison time for community service, season tickets to the Mariners, Seahawks and Sounders, not to mention the possibility of a presidential pardon and citizenship.
Do I hear a howl of indignation from the right wing objecting to undocumented immigrants crossing our borders? Get over it. These guys are specialists, just as German rocket scientists (who aimed for the stars and hit London) were recruited by NASA to help us beat the Soviet Union to the moon. What’s more American than making exceptions for the exceptional?
With Guzman’s guys at the drill, Highway 99 is a slam dunk, but after “Mission Accomplished,” I do see some problems. In fact, we may want to hold off on the tickertape parade.
Along with a presidential pardon and citizenship, the Mexican construction crew would become free agents. As such, they may be tempted to transport their subterranean drilling technology to the highest bidder, who just might be south of the border.
Consider this. If elected, presidential candidate Donald Trump has pledged to build a “really great, great wall” between the U.S. and Mexico to keep Mexicans out. What’s to prevent Guzman’s guys (now our guys) from building a really great, great tunnel under the Donald’s really great, great wall? This is just one of the problems facing our Commander in Chief in the 21st century.
— Brian Brown is a freelance writer and humor columnist who lives on Vashon Island.
