Spring is here. And one rite of spring is youth softball and baseball. Some of my fondest parenting memories involve baseball and softball, watching my kids play and coaching my daughter’s fastpitch team for seven years.

Some of my less happy memories? Watching my daughter be an umpire.

I believe some of the ugliest and most selfish instincts in parents are revealed watching their kids play sports. And some of the worst examples of those instincts come out over reffing and umpiring. This presents a direct challenge for kids who are learning to officiate: kids calling balls and strikes for younger kids and parents second-guessing them.

I recently read a story about how games around the country are now being canceled or postponed due to a shortage of referees. The story said that 70 percent of youth officials in soccer do not come back after their first year.

We have all seen the clips — the angry parents fighting with each other or with umpires. Or the story of the high school football coach who ordered his players to hit a referee during the game.

But I am here to tell you officiating is a dangerous occupation for youth around the land, including our little piece of heaven that is Vashon.

Our daughter, who is now in college, refereed basketball for about seven years here. She made it through umping baseball for just two years. Why? Parents.

She used to tell me that parents were tough in softball and basketball. The difference is in basketball, the fans are some distance away in the stands. In baseball, they are right on top of you, often jeering or catcalling, questioning the calls aloud.

I vividly recall this happening to our daughter Lilly when she was in eighth grade. She was umping for fifth graders, and one of the parents yelled out to the pitcher after every ball was called, “That one was a strike! Just ignore it. These are all great pitches.” You get the drift. And he wasn’t coaching. He was just watching the game from the stands.

I remember watching the set of my daughter’s shoulders and knew she was hearing it. I talked to the parent after the game and reminded him she was learning, too. He grabbed my shoulder knowingly and said, “Calm down, Mom.” Yeah, that was especially wonderful.

In basketball, parents would not get as heated during the game, but a few times my daughter had touch-and-go situations after the game. Once a parent came up and admonished her when play was over for not calling enough fouls. It got to the point where my husband would spend Saturdays in the stands providing protection in case it was needed.

Of course, parents of refs and umps have our own mama bear instincts. Myself included. I did my best to resist my protective urges and would not even go to games my daughter reffed because it made me too angry and I was better out of the picture. And I would argue some of the experiences in basketball helped form her. Today she is confident, stubborn and fights for what she believes. Don’t we think dealing with difficult parents helped her?

She also learned about the value of mentorship and adult guidance. Her basketball advisor was Sandy Tillman, who was my daughter’s biggest protector. She guided her through and encouraged her, helping her deal with the parents, helping her solve the problems on her own. My daughter takes those lessons along with her in college today.

I coached softball for seven years and basketball for four. I remember talking to Sandy when I first became a coach and telling her how nervous I was about the parents. Sandy told me there were three people who belong at every game. One is the player. One is the coach. One is the referee. Everyone else is expendable. The sport is not about the parents. They can be asked to leave, and you need to be ready to do it.

Somewhere we have lost our way. In our ultra-competitive sports culture where every kid is perfect and is destined for a college scholarship, we take this all very seriously. I remember when our son played premier soccer for a while. The worst part of the game for me was the parents — not just for what they did to the refs, but to the kids. It was heartbreaking to see the number of kids who had lost the love of the game because of parents.

To be clear, we had great experiences with Vashon youth soccer, football, basketball, baseball and softball. Our kids played, I coached. I love these organizations, which provided great mentors who helped our kids learn the values of hard work, teamwork and sportsmanship. But board members cannot be at every game, and coaches are busy with the game at hand. My daughter was one of many youth umpires I saw, and her experience was not unique. The league cannot be there every time when parents get angry at kids, challenge their calls and yell things at them — all while kids watch. They cannot police adult behavior, just as Vashon Island Junior Basketball cannot police adult behavior at every Saturday game.

So if you are a parent and your kids are coming up to the plate this season, know this: I envy you. Some of my best memories involved our kids playing sports on this island, and I miss those days. But also know this: Your umpire may just be a 13 year old kid trying to learn a skill. In the end, these are all kids. Kids playing, kids learning to referee. Parents should know better.

— Lauri Hennessey wrote a column for The Beachcomber from 2002 until 2010. She is now the vice president of engagement at Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle.